Still waiting on Him. Patiently

So far I haven't heard back from any of the hospitals regarding my resume with exception of one form letter stating that my resume was not selected. I know what the problem is going to be for this round. I'm overqualified to be a PCT and since I've been in the field for almost six years now, my paygrade is on the upper end of the scale. Something will come through though, I just know it. If it doesn't though, I'm prepared for that too. My gig in the ER isn't bad, I'd just prefer to work three twelves instead of five eights. I'd also prefer to use more of my nursing skills than just phlebotomy. I'm good on the phlebotomy. Really. If I could actually be starting the IVs that would be more helpful but Miami Valley Hospital's policy doesn't allow the phlebotomists to start IVs. It also doesn't allow those folks with the training for it (student nurses, paramedics, etc) to start IVs unless they are working in that capacity for the hospital (So all the student nurses and paramedics working for the lab but who aren't working for the hospital can't start the IV even when it's obvious that we could do it faster and with better accuracy than the nurse who is trying to start it.) I can't tell you how many times I've been asked by the nurse to start the IV "Just this once, I promise I won't tell." Well at least I have my interview set up at the restaurant on Monday. That is some good news as long as we can get the babysitter issues straightened out. That is another reason the three twelves would be better than the five eights. It's easier to find a babysitter to cover the shifts. Faith. I have to have faith. On the flip side.... have you seen the video for Devour by Shinedown???? All I can say is DAMN. Hot boys rocking hard. Can a girl ask for more? Ok, maybe seeing a little more of the tats and less of the hair. Btw speaking of tats, check out Nick Perri's:
Damn.

School is officially out until January 5th. I did well on all my exams and I did well overall for the quarter. Now I can relax and just worry about finding another job to pay my bills while I fork over 820 dollars a month for the next three months to pay for my school tuition. *sigh* I'm so very tired and the mere thought of having to work three jobs again is simply daunting but in all honesty... there is no other way. I'm still working on my soap business but as anyone who has started a business from the ground up knows, it's slow process. I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I've put my application in for several (alright six) positions at the hospitals and one of those positions would definitely be a fighting start because they are all twelve hour shifts leaving me with two more full days off each week to do school work or work somewhere else. I put my application into the restaurant where my husband works to be a waitress part-time. If I get it at least that will be cash each night and that will help immensely. Oh Lord, help me hang in there and wait on you.

I'm not the type of knitter who can afford much of a stash. I'll be honest, I get jealous of those knitters and spinners that can afford to walk into a yarn store or go to a fiber festival and just drop loads of cash (paper or plastic) on skeins of yarn and loads of fiber. I know I shouldn't be jealous. I have so much in my life. I have beautiful children, a wonderful husband, and I was blessed ultimately with the intelligence and ability to do anything I want to do in life. I have the best parents one could hope for, at least the best parents for the type of person I am. God knows what he's doing. Never doubt that for a second. Regardless, the basic human in me still gets jealous. Of course I do. So naturally, being that I'm a knitter and a spinner, when I get jealous it's of those who have the ability to amass that which I desire to amass one day. My husband says I have a stash. It doesn't really count as a stash by most knitters definitions. It's just a few skeins of sock yarn and a couple of sweaters worth of worsted weight. You know how husbands are though, if I'm not actively knitting something out of it... I have too much. And yet, I'd just love to have a stash like that of Stephanie Pearl-McPhee or Franklin Habit or even Eunny Jang. Is it wrong to sometimes motivate myself through the tough times at school by reminding myself that when I'm making real money I can finally afford to buy some luxury yarns? Better studying with thoughts of cashmere and silk? Beats drinking and drugs any day.

Oh Goodie!

The election is over and now we will have a new president to blame the woes of our country on instead of ourselves, aren't we all happy? That being said, we can move on to the really important subjects...like Christmas is less than sixty days away! WooHoo! I just love Christmas don't you? Well maybe you don't if you don't celebrate it, but if you do don't you just love this time of year?!? It's magnificent. The decorations, the lights, the music, and not to mention the all important reason-for-the-season. (Don't start with me about how Jesus was born in September and how Christian traditions were taken from Pagan ones. Duh, this ain't my first rodeo. It's a moot point now so get over it and just grab some hot chocolate already.) It could be that I'm so especially excited about this Christmas only because it is the first break I've had in five "quarters" of school. I'm off from Nov. 20th to Jan. 5th. Yay! I get to knit. I get to spin. I get to read a book that has nothing to do with school (though some probably will anyway) and, oh yes I almost forgot, I get to work. I'm looking to pick up a part-time gig to get some money for school now that i'm paying out of pocket. It's going to be tough though because of the childcare issue but I'm sure God will work out a way. He knows we need the money. Oooooh, and I've got some fabulous new ideas to try out for the soap! I'm so excited. Just three tests and two quizzes left until the quarter is over!!!

Babbling to take a break from studying.

So here I am, taking a break from studying pharmacology and I figured I'd get a post in. I got really pissed off at the dog today. I awoke to find that she had nosed her way into a bag of mine and made quite the mess of a skein of Opal Gems sock yarn and a skein of Alpaca With A Twist Highland. They're salvageable but it's a job that will have to wait until winter break b/c it will take me an entire weekend to do. Needless to say, the dog is now staying on her chain in the kitchen if I'm the only one home and sleeping. Nobody messes with mommy's yarn. Nobody. Maybe it would not have ticked me off so much if she hadn't had two bones and a chew toy right there next to the mauled yarn. Brat. Well, like I said, it's not a crisis but it really torqued my bolts. Good news to be had though, have finished first sock of Comfy Autumn socks and have cast on for second sock. It's my own pattern and it's fairly nice so I'm quite pleased with myself. It's not my first sock pattern so I'm not bubbling with pride, just pleased. I adore Mountain Colors yarn. It's so soothing to work with. The touch of mohair softens it just right. My next projects are going to be as follows: finish the Celtic Icon hoodie, knit camo hats for both Noah and Malachi (Really it's just to test the camo-ness of the yarn to see if it will make a proper camo sweater as they both have requested. If not, the search continues for the perfect camo yarn.), mittens for both children, myself, and the husband, then onto the sweaters for the boys - in superwash wool this time (I guess two pairs of socks AND a sweater were just not enough to teach Chris to ask before throwing an item into the washer). No Christmas knitting this year, other than handknit handtowels to accompany the soap that people will be receiving. I will be making the next batch this week. I will be making milk soap AND another batch of HP. I'm so excited to try out my new fall fragrances. Yummm.

Are you thoroughly bored of this election nonsense? I am. Let's face it. The next four years are going to suck. Politicians are politicians. They will tell us whatever they think we want to hear in order to buy out votes. Both are on the change bandwagon. Change? Oh please. What a cop-out. ANYTHING other than what we have right now is going to be a change. But I'll tell you honestly, it's only going to be change of scenery. Politicians are not the answer to the problems faced by this nation. A President is not where the power resides and people fail to realize this time and again. The President is an ICON, not a moving force. Me personally? I'm voting for Vanhoofen. She's the only candidate I trust.

On a lighter note, I'm happy to report that Christmas is only 64 days away and I've learned that Christmas is indeed celebrated with gusto in the UK, Scotland included. Notice that I said with gusto and not "with the same commercial emphasis that we have here in the States." I find this comforting because I really love the Christmas season and I was concerned we'd be the only family in Scotland with Christmas lights on our house and a tree in the window. We won't. The closer I get to graduation the happier I get about me decision to go abroad. Of course, I'll have to wait for Chris to finish culinary school, but I need time to get experience under my belt before I apply to the NHS. The process to obtain a visa, a job, and get all the necessaries taken care of before pondjumping is a long one. It will be worth it though. Who knows, maybe I'll go to Oxford for medical school!

Apocalypse Now

So there I was, trying to get some sleep before my shift at the ETC tonight and I'm woke up by a loud BOOM ( along with my whole house shaking). Turns out it was a tree falling on my roof. I wandered clumsily into my living room to find the house without power and under the siege of a vicious windstorm. Trees, toys, you name it, were all flying around 'Dorothy in the tornado' style and all hell was breaking loose. At least, that's what it looked like. Ominous was as close a description as I could manage and even that didn't totally hit on the feeling one got when viewing the chaos. So we packed up the kids, the dog, and an overnight bag and hightailed it to my parents house where power and cable were still intact. The kids and the husband are camping there tonight and who knows what we'll do tomorrow. According to the paper about 200,000 are without power and the powers that be are estimating it will be 2-3 days before everyone's power is restored. To give testimony to my level of concern... I dusted off both of my wheels and placed the travel wheel snugly in her padded carrying case and had my husband put Anya in our room away from any windows. I'm not losing two of my favorite toys just because Ike wants to throw his weight around. The real shocker was when I came into work. Driving the ten miles or so to the south campus was like driving through a post-apocalyptic movie set. No lights anywhere except for car headlights and few candles burning in houses here and there. It's a complete blackout. The hospital is on emergency generator power. Most of the computers are down. The lab looks like a CDC war zone and we are filled to the brim with patients. The odd thing is I just watched the movie Doomsday this afternoon. By the way, if your contemplating rentign it....don't. What a waste of an hour and a half. Every other word was f**k and the plot was along the lines of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (waaaaay beyond Thunderdome) meets Wrath of the Ring Wraiths. Basically it's your killer virus, '28 Days Later' esque, post-apocalyptic horror flick. Add in a little medieval flair just for the hell of it and place it in my beloved Scotland (the origin of the virus is Glasgow and they turn the whole of Scotland into a quarantined hot zone which kind of offends me though I don't know why). If you haven't seen it yet, wait until it comes out on cable, otherwise don't waste your money. It's okay for a bit of a "B" movie night. Right now I'm just wondering if I'll be able to get back to my house in the morning and whether the power will be back on. The hell of it is, I just went and bought some groceries yesterday when I got off work.

It Must Just Suck to be You

Ever wonder what possesses a person to try and make someone else's life miserable? I have a theory. I believe most of the time it's just plain old jealousy. You envy someone. You wish you could be them and then since it's obvious that you can't be them, you get pissed and so do whatever is in your power to try and make their life suck. I'm not sure if that's what's going on in my life now or what but it's obvious that someone wants to hurt me and my family. Because of them we now have a difficult situation we're facing and it's all ridiculous. Some of the people involved are acting hypocritically even while they accuse others of it and everyone involved is emotional. It's not fun. My husband could go to jail. If that happens I'm not sure what will happen with my schooling. I would probably have to stop. This may be exactly what the person wants to happen. It's an odd thing, jealousy. See, it eats at you and inspires you to do things that you normally wouldn't do. Once you do them it's too late, even if you come to your senses and realize what everyone else already knows, that whatever pain you cause won't change your life for the better. You'll still be the same sad, weak person that you always have been and eventually the people you hurt will recover and they may even find out it was you who hurt them (that is, if they don't already know.) That in and of itself may turn out quite badly for you, depending on how angry they are and how far their sphere of influence reaches. I don't know who started this whole ball rolling but I do know this; God is in control and I trust Him. I love my husband and this changes nothing. I will continue with school no matter how long it takes and we will reach our goals together. It may require relocating or cutting off ties but whatever it takes, I'm sure I can do it and still be okay. All I can say is this, "It isn't easy being me, but it must just suck to be you."

Well THAT sucks

So I went to my yearly eye appointment the other day and they had a new opthamologist working. My exam was going along fine as usual and then he got that look on his face. You know that look. It's the one your doctor gives you when something is wrong and he's working out how to tell you without freaking you out. Turns out I have a condition called Corneal Neovascularization. It's a fancy way of saying that I have veins growing down into my cornea. It happened because I used to wear my contacts for waaaaaay too long and didn't change to new lenses often enough. I also didn't clean them properly. He wasn't in a panic about them because he said the damage looked old and all but two of the veins had regressed into ghost veins which means that the condition had improved. The right eye is worse than the left and he told me if I was just anyone he'd take me out of contacts permanently but that he thought he could trust me to be compliant and so he put me on some strict contact lens restrictions. I had to switch to a lens that allowed more oxygen and was wetter because I also have dry eyes. I have to go contact lens free one day a week. I can't wear my lenses for more than 14 hours a day (less is better) . I have to change my lenses every 21 days (instead of 30) and I absolutely have to clean them every night. The good news is if I follow the instructions and be a good girl, the two remaining active veins will regress into ghost veins like the rest and I can continue to wear contacts indefinitely. If I don't, all the veins will fill back up and start growing down until they reach my pupil eventually causing me to go blind. So how was your day?

Really? I mean,.... really.

So I've made mention of these half-wits I work with before right? So the latest is that the "I have no self-esteem so I'll act like I know everything, sleep with whoever will have me, and to hell with what my kids think" gal is now going to the strip clubs, getting totally wasted and acting an ass in front of other co-workers. It's pathetic but it's also very sad. I know she has no self-esteem, but it doesn't help to keep making oneself look even more unappealing by behaving like we have no self-esteem. Hmmm.... doesn't seem an effective tactic to me at least. She'd be better off just taking a break from the manhunt and taking some time to be with her kids and get her shit together. Finding that one special person is important, but it shouldn't distract from the rest of your life. And if they really are the right person for you, you won't have to act like a desperate, drunken slut to get them to notice you. And for the love of all things good, fat girls should not be wiggling it (not even a little bit) when alcohol is involved. Trust me, I've seen the after effects (particularly in the video format - not pretty.) The only wiggling I do now is for my husband, or for the humorous benefit of the dog when I'm on the treadmill. Either way, my tailfeathers have been retired until my tail gets back down to the proper size. Oh, and one more thing... I've said it before but I feel the need to say it again with some force "JUST BECAUSE THEY MAKE IT IN YOUR SIZE DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD WEAR IT." Nuff said.

Turns out exhaustion creates lots of invisible friends.

Malachi cheezing:

The ER where I'm at when I actually have time to blog. It's been nicknamed the Beverly Hills ER because it is very posh. There are flat screen tvs in every room. The rooms are huge and they look like inpatient rooms instead of ER rooms. They are about as high tech as you can get. And since it's located in a more suburban location and NOT certified to accept any trauma higher than level three, it's really not that busy. The patient populatin consists mostly of chest pain, ab pain, various other pains and a lot of other wussy complaints that really should have waited until they could get in with their family doctor. On occasion we do get real emergencies and they usually get transported to the main ER. Now THAT place is hoppin. When I work there, I don't have time to breathe, much less time to blog. But I love it. I love the atmosphere, the traumas, everything. When I work there, I actually feel like what I do matters.



I just had to include this:
I don't know why, but the other day I slept ALL DAY. And I do mean all day. Seriously. I got off work at 0730 and was in bed by 0830. I woke up at a quarter to four when my husband got home with the kids. I was up until seven-thirty and then this amazingly powerful wash of fatigue hit and I was out again. Maybe it was just that it was the first time in awhile I was able to lay in bed and cuddle with my honey. Until my period started the next day (I know TMI, but it relates so let it go) I swear I thought I was pregnant b/c that was the last time I'd experienced fatigue of that magnitude before. Well, obviously I'm not pregnant. Maybe my body just knows what's coming with this new quarter starting soon and it's resting up. On a brighter note, I only have one week left at Dayton Ear, Nose & Throat! Yayyyyy! After almost four years of bull!@#$ I think it's finally time to let go and say goodbye. One of my co-workers said, " You're going to miss this hellhole." Um,......NO. I hate even having to go in for these last few days. I've been ready to leave for the last three years, I'm not regretting my decision now. I wish I could say I was leaving it in good hands but aside from my boss coming out of retirement to clean up the clusterf--k that her replacement caused, there is no "good hands." The new people are idiots and the semi-new chick has issues, no make that subscriptions. In a word, she's flippin crazy. They are so screwed. Oh well.
So the soap thing is going well though. Still waiting on my molds to start the CP batches, but I've done three HP batches and they've all turned out really well. I just made a batch of oatmeal/cinnamon/nutmeg soap and it's ugly as sin but sinfully delightful! Speaking of sin, I have a new "sin" if that's what you can call it. I am absolutely fixated on Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. More so on Samantha. I don't know why their relationship fascinates me so much, but it does. It's really Samantha that fascinates me. She's very laid back and she seems really cool and she's absolutely hilarious to listen to in the videos she's got posted on her MySpace page. I don't know why the media is making such a big deal out of their relationship. It's not like they're the first lesbian couple in Hollywood. They haven't even officially come out with their relationship status so everyone needs to chill. I know that sounds odd coming from a Christian but I'm not one of those homophobic Christians. Nor am I into the cliche "love the sinner, hate the sin" If homosexuality truly is a sin, then it's no worse or better than being obese, smoking, or murder. Sin is sin according to God, so let it go. Besides, Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you." Let it be. If they're happy, let them be happy. Everyone has to live their own lives and in the end we all answer to the same judge and jury in a one-on-one session. Back to the subject, If Lindsay and Samantha are a romantic/sexual couple, it's their business and no one else's. I personally think they look very happy together and make a cute pair. Plus, Samantha seems to keep Lindsay on an even keel and she's not looked this healthy in a long time.
Anyway, so I didn't get the podcast recorded because of the knockout fatigue so I'll have to try again next week. At least I have the notes all written out!

Killer Mutant Viruses and Soap

It's over and I survived! I took my last final of Summer quarter yesterday and I'm pleased to report I passed and all is well! It was a particularly daunting Pathophysiology final but I managed to eek by and for once, eeking by is alright with me. I'd been down with a killer mutant virus for the two weeks leading up to this so studying was not an option. I was lucky to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide let alone study disease mechanisms, etiology, and pathology. I've finally recovered from that nonsense however, my voice has not. I'm one of those people who (thank God) don't get sick very often (think, like, once a year if that) but when I do, my voice is the first thing to go and the last to recover. I'm operating at about 95% right now, but I still ribbit occasionally. Hopefully I'll be completely recovered by this weekend because I'd like to record for the podcast. I've been making soap and I'm going to dye a little and I'd really like to share the experience. Plus, my kids will be with my husband and his family camping and fishing at the lake. I have to work but at least the house will be quiet. I'm making them take the dog (hehehe). Oh, God is so good to me. Not because the house will be quiet or the family gone. He just is. I just know He's going to bless my soap business and allow me to pay for school and still see my kids and husband. I really enjoy making the soap and even when the first batch turned out kind of off (my own recipe, it needs tweeking) I wasn't put off. I just did some good reading and kept on going. The second batch turned out much better and my soap cutter arrived today! Now if I can just get my soap molds.... I ordered them from an etsy seller who makes fabulous wood molds but the word is that turnaround time is atrocious. He tells to expect shipping 18-20 days after ordering. Tomorrow is day 20 for my first order. My etsy invoice still reads 'payment received' but not 'shipped'. = ( For now I've been using cavity molds but I don't like them as much. I like them but there seems to be a lot of waste scraped off. I'm saving the scrapings though, for rebatching. I'm frugal like that.

In which I have experienced a miracle first hand

I'll admit it. I didn't really believe in miracles. Not really. I believed some pretty awesome things happened to people, but I didn't truly believe in miracles for the ordinary person. That is until I was blessed with a bonafide miracle today. Well, yesterday really since as I'm writing this it is two o'clock in the morning. So anyway, I had to go to court yesterday for something that could have gone very badly for me. I've been worrying about it for a month now and everyone's been telling me not to worry b/c God was going to take care of me, but I didn't believe them. I wanted to believe them, but I just didn't. I prayed though. Oh, how I prayed. I prayed every day, several times a day. Not just asking God for help with this situation. We talked about a lot of stuff. Then I asked him for a miracle. I was even specific about what I wanted Him to do. Today He blessed me with that miracle in exactly the ways I'd specified. It would have been crazy except that I felt Him with me and I knew it was Him and I wasn't scared. I was just thankful. I truly can do nothing apart from Him.

I passed my skills midterm! WooHoo!! After spending the last week practicing sterile technique, wet to damp dressing changes, draining wound dressing changes, applying TED hose, and a myriad of bandaging techniques on my kids and stepson (he really liked letting me practice wrapping him) I took my test today and I passed with flying colors!

Photo Update On The Knitting and Spinning!

This is the finished Irish Hiking Scarf. I'm so excited to wear it. I can't wait until the weather is cold enough!

This is the Alpaca Hell One Row Victory Scarf. I went through spinner's hell to get this roving spun into a decent yarn and I'm knitting the One Row Handspun Scarf pattern by the Yarn Harlot, Stephanie Pearl-McPhee.

This is the Alpaca Hell doing a little sunbathing on the back deck. Ignore the unmowed lawn. It's been raining alot in Southwest Ohio.

The Alpaca Hell is such a well behaved little skein. Look at how prettily she wound herself up.
I'm currently on something of a Finish-It-Up kick. I've been knitting on a couple of projects for quite some time and I need to get them off the needles before beginning any new big projects. (Like the new sweater I'm swatching for. A Mirage from More Big Girl Knits) My next FIU project is my mom's Highland Triangle Shawl. I'm working on things in order of when they were started and technically my Celtic Icon Hoodie was first but it's a big project so it gets worked on along with everything else. It'll probably be the last item I finish of the list before starting the new sweater.

A Lovely Day

I was sure that when I went to bed this morning (ahem, it was around three o'clock) that I would not be getting up for church today. I was sohoooo wrong. See, the Father has his own plans and I am not capable of discerning them. His plan was for me to go to church today. I needed to be in church today. I feel so much better and, of course, that was why I needed to be there. There were quite a few messages that I needed to receive. I really am glad I went. Then we went to my folks' house for a backyard picnic. The weather was perfect and I felt so blessed to be a part of it.

See, this is why I don't get on well with other women

Why are women so competitive and catty? Why does it always have to be about who's right or wrong? Whenever you get a group of women together you can usually count on some sort of cattiness occurring and I'm so tired of it. Literally, I'm physically worn out from dealing with it. Why does it always have to be a pride thing with women, like you're somehow less worthy because you're not right all the time. This is why I have so few gal-pals. I'm not like that. At least, I make a conscious effort not to be. I've always got along better with guys and I think that's why. I really value female friendship, but not at the cost of my sanity. Especially right now. My life is just too hectic for the drama. I give all my drama to God and He handles it just fine. Today my spirits are higher than they have been for the past couple of days. I'm still fighting those demons of doubt that creep into my heart and whisper all the worst case scenarios that can occur with this legal situation of mine, but God is whispering to me too and His voice is infinitely sweeter and more soothing to my aching heart. He tells me to not grow faint and to trust in Him alone. He loves me and no matter what comes, He will be there with me and walk right by me through it all. My times are in His hands and He wants me to know it. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm only a girl and my strength is limited. I need help now and then.

So I've been doing good with eating healthy for the past couple days and then there was today. I walked into muffins and doughnuts at work and oatmeal peanut butter chip cookies at my mom's (um, yea, fresh oatmeal peanutbutter chip cookies). Can a girl get a break here!?! I did good though because I knew I had to watch the videotape of myself conducting an interview with a patient from last week's clinicals and I wasn't expecting it to be pretty. I was right. It wasn't. I was so glad I'd walked away from the muffins, doughnuts, and cookies. It also didn't help that my patient was a soldier recently back from the Middle East and hot as hell! I'm such a porker! *sniff* At least I'm working on it, right? I'm going to go shower now and try to block out the siren call of the cookies mom sent home with me for the kids and the husband. They're sitting on the counter so I had to look at them each time I went to check on the skein of handspun I was soaking. Glad to report, they're still sitting there. I need to go soak myself now and rewind that videotape.

I've been fat for eight years now. I used to be a "runner", an "athlete". Now I barely spend any time at all working out or running despite easy access to a state of the art fitness center at my university and a top-notch treadmill in my bedroom. I used to be hot. I used to feel good when I woke up. Now I'm sluggish and lethargic. I don't eat well, I don't exercise and I make excuses all day long. "I'll start tomorrow","It's my time of the month"," I don't have time." The usual. I buy Oxygen magazine every month and read it cover to cover every month. I adore Tosca Reno and Bob Kennedy. I think they are fantastic role models. I think Oxygen is the one women's fitness magazine you can really trust. The models are beautiful. They are not skinny. They are the epitome of beauty; strong, sculpted and still exuding femininity. Oxygen shows what a real fitness role model should look like. I want to be like them so badly, and yet I'm still fat. I really don't know why I keep falling off the wagon. Each time I get back on again I feel great about myself. I feel energetic and steady but then something happens and I'm thrown off. It could be a comment from someone, or seeing myself in a reflection at a bad angle, or simply having a bad day. I start feeling sorry for myself and it's all to easy to just sit there on the floor where I fell off. My husband, God bless him, doesn't help. He tells me he loves me no matter what I look like and he doesn't say a word when I yo-yo. He just loves me and he doesn't want to anger me or hurt my feelings. He really does want me to lose weight. He would find me more attractive if I was at a healthy weight, but he doesn't want to risk hurting my feelings by saying anything to make me feel like he doesn't love me and find me attractive in my present condition. I know my life wouldn't instantly improve with weight loss. I'm not foolish. I do know that if I was exercising regularly and eating well I would be better able to deal with the day to day stress and I would feel better overall. I would be more secure and more confident which would help me to relax more easily. Oh my, well, what's a girl to do?

So much has been going on in my life that I scarcely know where to begin, if I can even tell it all. First of all, school is rather nutty but going fine so far. I'm in some legal trouble right now that I'm faithful God will stand by me through AND move a mountain or two if need be. I'm having a lot of problems because of it though. Financial, of course, and emotional. I feel like right now everything is somehow related to this business. I have a small ulcer that is probably much bigger by now (at least it feels like it from all the pain I've been having) thanks to the stress. I'm keeping a positive outlook, but sometimes I just want to cry. I feel so overwhelmed and if I didn't have God and my family to turn to I'd probably be in a ditch somewhere. God, I really don't want to go to jail. I really don't want my kids to have to suffer through that. I really don't want to mess up my schooling, and my future. It was a stupid mistake but I've since done all that can be done to correct it so it's in your hands now and there's nothing I can do about it except pray for a miracle. I know I'm a little emotionally on edge right now, so it must seem like everything is more painful, but tonight at work everyone just seems to be feeling hateful and I'm walking away every few minutes so that I don't start crying. I want my babies so I can hold them. I just want to disappear.