Sunday, December 30, 2007

Today started out as a fat&ugly day. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has these days. You know what they're like. You wake up tired, you look in the mirror and know that no amount of makeup will cover the circles, bags, and zits. Your hair won't behave and no amount of product will help. Then I had to go to church and work in the nursery, with no help. I'm telling you, working with the kids is great but without another person in there, it get's a bit overwhelming. And to top it off, I've been eating like poop and when I do that, I feel like poop too. I haven't run in forever and I'm feeling it. If I don't run regularly I get super stressed out. Put that stress on top of the stress of the husband being out of work and my hours getting cut back Jan. 7 when I start Winter quarter classes. I'm so depressed. I'm not a big fan of medications for depression, but right now I'd love to be on a maintenance dose of Prozac. So my husband made me a salad for lunch. It's a start. I'll run later today when I feel like caring.

On a lighter note, I had a chance to view the videos I rented from SmartFlix. I rented the Beginning and Advanced Spinning Techniques videos. The beginning one was good. I learned a couple things but nothing that I couldn't learn by googling. I expected the advanced to be really great, but it was dissappointing. I was hoping to learn new drafting techniques but the only techniques reviewed were short draw and long draw (or double draft). The double draft tech was reviewed pretty well, but it was in the beginning video too so I was overall dissappointed. I'm really glad I was able to rent these before putting down forty dollars each to order them from Yarn Barn. I might still order the beginners video but I doubt it. What I'm interested in learning in Navajo plying and several new drafting techniques. I'm going to be ordering my kit from Philosophers wool soon to make my Color Your Own in the Fire colorway (with yellow). I'm going to be casting on for the smallest size because that is one of my new knitting resolutions. I will only knit garments for myself in the size for my ideal healthy weight. Not being able to wear all my pretty things will be my punishment for eating junk and not working out.

My folks are coming down today so I will finally get to see what ring they got me, and give my mom her Celtic Tote. My son is slowly but surely mastering the RipStik(of death) and is under strict orders not to ride without helmet, wrist guards, knee & elbow pads. Malachi is very much in love with his guitar and well on his way to rockstardom. Life in the Sprauer household is chaotic as usual. Life is good.

Monday, December 24, 2007

RipStik of Death and a Christmas wish.

I've got all the pieces of Mom's Celtic Tote knitted, blocked, and drying as I type this. I'm all set to wrap Malachi's first real guitar and Noah's RipStik (of Death). I was hoping for really bad weather so that Noah couldn't try out said RipStik (of Death) but it's actually supposed to be almost fifty degrees and sunny. For goodness sakes it's OHIO! Why is it almost fifty degrees on Christmas Day?!? Good thing this kid of mine can rip it up on a board (no pun intended). What am I getting for Christmas? I have no idea. My dog was an early present from my folks but they still feel the need to get us each a couple of gifts. Mine is a ring of some kind. I only know b/c mom measured my finger with string and then took it with her. She and Dad ordered it from somewhere. I'm not sure what kind of ring but I have my suspicions. It's either the Claddagh I've been asking for (from everyone for any occasion that involves gift exchanging) or it's a mother's ring, or it's just a sapphire ring of some kind. I want a sapphire b/c it's Malachi's birthstone and I already have an amethyst for Noah's birthstone. I'm rambling. My folks have the flu so they won't actually be here tomorrow, but they'll be here in spirit. I'll see them next weekend. I recently asked my kids what Christmas was about and here's what they told me:
"Love, Family, and God." Yep. That's right. I may not be the world's best mom, but I'm raising these kids to know what's really important. Not presents, not offending people with my saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" (which incidentally if Merry Christmas offends you, get over yourself), not outdoing the neighbors with decorations, not having a super clean house or the most fantastic Christmas spread, not any of those things. Christmas is about love, family, and God. Note that I said Christmas. Not Kwanzaa, not Hanukkah, not the Solstice Celebration. I don't know anything about those Holidays so I can't honestly say what they are about (ok, I used to know about the Solstice Celebration, but honestly that was so long ago I may as well not know anything.) I know what my holiday is about. I know Jesus wasn't born in December, and that the celebration of Christ's Mass is richly symbolic and full of tradition which is not based solely on facts. I know that many of our traditions and symbolism originated in the pre-christian pagan tribes and were trans mutated into christian traditions. You see, that's what people do. Tradition is a very important part of what makes a people. It needs to be maintained even when the people as a whole become enlightened by the birth of the son of God. We know that there is no Santa Claus, but we honor the spirit of Saint Nick b/c he represents an important element of the Christmas season, the spirit of giving and love. Of course Jesus is the ultimate representation of this. Why does it irritate people so much to hear "Merry Christmas"? Can I remind everyone that, like it or not, this country was founded by Christians with Christian beliefs? Freedom of religion means freedom to celebrate as well. I don't appreciate people like Sage Turtle of the Quirky Nomads podcast posting an episode called "F*** Christmas" like she did last year at this time. I didn't say anything mean about it or get nasty in return, afterall she did follow my all time fav suggestion of, " If you don't like the country so much, move out." What I did do was just delete her podcast from the iTunes account. What I can't understand is why someone (who pretends to be superior to those of us so narrow-minded as to believe in Christ and send our kids to public school) can't just take the high road and leave well enough alone instead of resorting to obscenity to purposefully offend other people. I actually feel sorry for her. I don't know who hurt her, but I wish I could make it better for her. I wish I could make it better for everyone who was ever hurt or offended by me or any christian. I wish Christmas could be as wonderful a time of year for everyone else as it is for me. I am extremely blessed and believe me I know it. I pray that kind of blessing would be bestowed on more people. Merry Christmas cyberland, Merry Christmas. (Oh, and Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Solstice if those are your Holidays.) May your days be blessed.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas indeed.

I've finished the front and back of mom's Celtic Tote. Now I need to do the sides/back and then sew it up. The pattern calls for plastic mesh to stiffen the bottom so I decided to buy purple mesh. The DH did in fact get laid off today, and with no Christmas bonus either. Bastards. I swear, what kind of boss lays someone off right before Christmas?! And this boss is a practicing pastor! If I didn't know so many good christians in my own church who make up for this guys "professed" but not "practiced" christianity, I would be completely turned off to christians too. It wasn't that long ago that people like him are what justified my belief that all christians are hippocritical, holier-than-thou, bigots. Thank God I was led to a church filled with "real" christians. Folks who weren't ashamed to share their sordid past and forgive you for yours. Folks who show love and compassion to anyone who enters into their presence, not just the pretty people. People in town call my church "The Fringe church" and say that "AHOP is the place to worship if they won't let you in the doors anywhere else." Well, HALLELUJAH for that! (Btw, AHOP stands for A House Of Prayer, not a house of pancakes.) Well, back to the knitting.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I'm so tired. You know that kind of tired when you understand the Cymbalta commercials? It's been a rough couple of weeks and this week isn't even over yet. I was down with a nasty stomach bug last week and had to go my company's Christmas party alone and hoping that I didn't get hit with another wave of illness while I was there, b/c there was no way I would be able to get the pantyhose off in time! I finished my brothers Christmas sweater and am busy working (ok not right now) on mom's Celtic Tote. I got some not so great news today. The DH is getting laid off this Friday. His boss doesn't want to, and if a job comes in between now and Friday he won't be, but that is the nature of construction and with my DH's felony record that's pretty much all he has open to him. I still haven't heard from any of the resume's I've put in other than the jerks who rejected me based on me not turning in notice (I actually did, but since I did not keep a copy for proof all they have is my managers word and let's just say she and I did not see eye to eye.) when I left a job TEN years ago. Other than them, no word. I'm really feeling the strain and I'm getting pretty downtroddened. Pray for me if you can. I need some heavenly intervention here. Chris just told me today that if I don't get into the nursing program this time, he wants me to choose a path to finish my bachelors and apply straight to medical school. That's saying a lot coming from him, but he knows how heavy my heart is right now b/c his is right down there with it.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

I have a lot of vices that I don't talk about. It's not fun to admit that you are not a fun, witty, perfect person who obeys the Lord and should be in everyone's top ten speed dial numbers and on everyone's invite list. I am none of the above. I am greedy, selfish, self-centered and obstinate. I don't tithe, I'm a glutton, and I'm prideful. I am also very weak. I'm lonely and don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to. I've lost my best-friend, but that has been a long time in the making. People change and we grew apart. I have a few friends but none that I hang out with regularly either because all they want to do is party (and I already don't have any money) or because we used to be close but have also grown apart and only talk every once in awhile. My husband loves me, but it's not the same. I have never been satisfied whenever I've talked with him about something that was bothering me, something that the Lord put on my heart, or even a dream I have of doing something. I play like I don't care about it. I put on the show that I'm too hard-hearted to care what anyone thinks of me, but we all know that nobody is truly that way. We all want to be loved and surrounded by tons of friends to hang out with and talk to. I'm too insecure about myself to make any friends. I always feel like people are judging me by my looks, my weight, etc. I don't feel like I'm smart enough, or funny enough, or entertaining enough, so I'll just lie to look that way and then people don't like me for who I really am and that enforces my belief that I'm not good enough being just plain me. I've been worried for quite sometime now about how I would be able to continue to pay the bills(and Me) when school starts back in January. My hours will be cut back a lot due to my school schedule and I've put in several applications at surrounding hospitals, only to be ignored or rejected. Now today the Lord spoke to my heart about my tithing, or lack thereof. It's a well known biblical fact that the Lord expects his children to give him ten percent of whatever they earn. Before taxes, before deductions, before any bills are paid, we are to pay Him first. I know this and I have flatly refused to do it. I've justified this with telling myself that I have so little already, the Lord understands that if I give anymore, I will not be able to survive. This is, of course, bullshit. I know it and I keep telling it to myself to justify my greed. My need to buy yarn, and books, and magazines, and go out to dinner, and whatever else just to make me feel better. I keep saying "I'll tithe when I'm making a lot of money and can afford it." Well, if you're familiar with the Bible, then you'll already know what I'm about to say. The Bible (and therefore God) says that if we don't tithe, we will not receive our riches. I know this. I've known it my whole life. What I don't know is why I refuse to believe it and put it into practice. I'm scared that it won't be true. I'm scared that I'll never be able to buy stuff for myself, always have to live with just enough money to pay the bills and tithe and that's it. I'm scared that the Bible (and therefore God) is not telling me the truth and that my needs won't be met. I'm also not a cheerful giver. I don't want to give God my money. (His money) I want to keep the meager amount I have and spend it on myself. In short, I want to do things my way instead of His way. He told me today that it was time to really start doing things His way or I would get no further. I cannot describe how upset I am with this. I can't buy new yarn. I can't listen to podcasts that talk about yarn shops and new places to buy yarn because I'll be tempted, I can't go out and buy, buy, buy. I am beyond nervous about how this will turn out but I can't live with the guilt anymore. I can't look at my phone and not see people calling me for an interview and then go home and face my children knowing that if only I was obedient, they would be living in abundance instead of relying on my earthly parents for all they have. I don't know if being obedient will give me a new job that will supply my need and leave plenty for God and more. I don't know if I will ever be a nurse or a doctor. If I will ever move to Wyoming or Montana like I dream of doing, if I will ever learn how to ride a horse and then have some horses of my own on my own ranch. I don't know if one day I will be able to have a subscription to every knitting/spinning/horse magazine that I love and be able to see a project/item that I want and just go online and order it. I don't know if I will even be able to get into Wright State's Nursing program for this Spring. What I do know is that I will be knitting a lot of socks for awhile(because that's the yarn I have stashed right now), and that I will be doing some spinning, and that I will be doing most of my fitness research online and will have to start tracking my food intake online as well because all these little excesses will have to stop until I start to do what is right. In addition to not tithing, I'm a serious glutton. I weigh almost 270 lbs. I'm 5'5" tall and I'm 27 years old. I am an emotional eater and though I really want to be 115 lbs, run a marathon to raise money to fight cancer, and compete in figure competitions (and maybe even place), I continue to eat, to not workout, and to wallow in self-pity about how ugly and fat I am. Last night my husband said,"Tomorrow is Sunday, a day for new beginnings." He is right. I'm not sure if I will be sucessful. I know that the enemy will try his hardest to defeat me, to keep me in my former habits and prevent me from receiving what God wants to give me. It will be very hard for me. I pray that God will work on my heart and that over time, getting healthy and giving to Him will become easy, even joyful and delightful. It is neither of those right now, but I am hoping the Lord will be with me and maybe even see fit to bless me. I have decided to start keeping a journal of my journey and my struggles. I will first outline a plan and then keep the journal with me always so that maybe when I am tempted it will help dissuade me. I've decided to keep a Bible with me always as well, and to also keep a book listing verses to read regarding different areas of temptation. Once again, I don't know if I will be successful. Because of who I am, it it very likely that I will fail. It is likely that in order to succeed, I will need a miracle.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Alas poor Stone Sweater, I Knit you well

My husband shrunk Noah's Stone Sweater. A moment of silence please.( ). Ok. To play devil's advocate, all the sweater's I've made for the kids thus far have been machine washable. He didn't realize(even though I went ON and ON about how much I loved finally being able to afford to knit a sweater out of 100% Wool) that it would shrink. His rebuttle?, " I didn't put it in the dryer!" I know it's impractical to knit a child a sweater that must be handwashed, but I didn't mind washing it myself. I've included instructions with both sweaters I knit for my niece and nephew on how to handwash the sweater, with a note to just bring it to me for cleaning if my sisters-in-law don't want to go through the hassle themselves. Can't the kids have one or two really nice sweaters?? The worst part is that Noah took great care with that sweater b/c he listened to mommy tell him all about how you don't need to wash wool a lot, unless you get somethink on it, but that you don't want to get it very wet and rub it b/c it will shrink. He really loved that sweater and it broke his heart when he saw what had happened. It now fits the four year old, though it is a bit thicker and fuzzier now thanks to the fulling of the washing machine. The husband has promised to never wash another think I've knit unless he's checked with me first to see that it is ok. (You'd think he'd have learned the first time when he shrunk my merino socks, but we'll see if it sticks this time. ; P )
I've finished the front of Sean's Garter Stitch Aran Pullover and it's looking just fabulous. The back is coasting along nicely and should be finished by tomorrow evening. I'm expecting to be finishing it Saturday next. If I get ahead, I'll cast on for mom's Celtic Tote from Knits Winter 2007 issue. She wants it in purple with black accents so I found the perfect shade of Cascade 220 and a beautiful little silver celtic button to finish it off. Well, it's time to knit so off I go!