Sunday, December 02, 2007

I have a lot of vices that I don't talk about. It's not fun to admit that you are not a fun, witty, perfect person who obeys the Lord and should be in everyone's top ten speed dial numbers and on everyone's invite list. I am none of the above. I am greedy, selfish, self-centered and obstinate. I don't tithe, I'm a glutton, and I'm prideful. I am also very weak. I'm lonely and don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to. I've lost my best-friend, but that has been a long time in the making. People change and we grew apart. I have a few friends but none that I hang out with regularly either because all they want to do is party (and I already don't have any money) or because we used to be close but have also grown apart and only talk every once in awhile. My husband loves me, but it's not the same. I have never been satisfied whenever I've talked with him about something that was bothering me, something that the Lord put on my heart, or even a dream I have of doing something. I play like I don't care about it. I put on the show that I'm too hard-hearted to care what anyone thinks of me, but we all know that nobody is truly that way. We all want to be loved and surrounded by tons of friends to hang out with and talk to. I'm too insecure about myself to make any friends. I always feel like people are judging me by my looks, my weight, etc. I don't feel like I'm smart enough, or funny enough, or entertaining enough, so I'll just lie to look that way and then people don't like me for who I really am and that enforces my belief that I'm not good enough being just plain me. I've been worried for quite sometime now about how I would be able to continue to pay the bills(and Me) when school starts back in January. My hours will be cut back a lot due to my school schedule and I've put in several applications at surrounding hospitals, only to be ignored or rejected. Now today the Lord spoke to my heart about my tithing, or lack thereof. It's a well known biblical fact that the Lord expects his children to give him ten percent of whatever they earn. Before taxes, before deductions, before any bills are paid, we are to pay Him first. I know this and I have flatly refused to do it. I've justified this with telling myself that I have so little already, the Lord understands that if I give anymore, I will not be able to survive. This is, of course, bullshit. I know it and I keep telling it to myself to justify my greed. My need to buy yarn, and books, and magazines, and go out to dinner, and whatever else just to make me feel better. I keep saying "I'll tithe when I'm making a lot of money and can afford it." Well, if you're familiar with the Bible, then you'll already know what I'm about to say. The Bible (and therefore God) says that if we don't tithe, we will not receive our riches. I know this. I've known it my whole life. What I don't know is why I refuse to believe it and put it into practice. I'm scared that it won't be true. I'm scared that I'll never be able to buy stuff for myself, always have to live with just enough money to pay the bills and tithe and that's it. I'm scared that the Bible (and therefore God) is not telling me the truth and that my needs won't be met. I'm also not a cheerful giver. I don't want to give God my money. (His money) I want to keep the meager amount I have and spend it on myself. In short, I want to do things my way instead of His way. He told me today that it was time to really start doing things His way or I would get no further. I cannot describe how upset I am with this. I can't buy new yarn. I can't listen to podcasts that talk about yarn shops and new places to buy yarn because I'll be tempted, I can't go out and buy, buy, buy. I am beyond nervous about how this will turn out but I can't live with the guilt anymore. I can't look at my phone and not see people calling me for an interview and then go home and face my children knowing that if only I was obedient, they would be living in abundance instead of relying on my earthly parents for all they have. I don't know if being obedient will give me a new job that will supply my need and leave plenty for God and more. I don't know if I will ever be a nurse or a doctor. If I will ever move to Wyoming or Montana like I dream of doing, if I will ever learn how to ride a horse and then have some horses of my own on my own ranch. I don't know if one day I will be able to have a subscription to every knitting/spinning/horse magazine that I love and be able to see a project/item that I want and just go online and order it. I don't know if I will even be able to get into Wright State's Nursing program for this Spring. What I do know is that I will be knitting a lot of socks for awhile(because that's the yarn I have stashed right now), and that I will be doing some spinning, and that I will be doing most of my fitness research online and will have to start tracking my food intake online as well because all these little excesses will have to stop until I start to do what is right. In addition to not tithing, I'm a serious glutton. I weigh almost 270 lbs. I'm 5'5" tall and I'm 27 years old. I am an emotional eater and though I really want to be 115 lbs, run a marathon to raise money to fight cancer, and compete in figure competitions (and maybe even place), I continue to eat, to not workout, and to wallow in self-pity about how ugly and fat I am. Last night my husband said,"Tomorrow is Sunday, a day for new beginnings." He is right. I'm not sure if I will be sucessful. I know that the enemy will try his hardest to defeat me, to keep me in my former habits and prevent me from receiving what God wants to give me. It will be very hard for me. I pray that God will work on my heart and that over time, getting healthy and giving to Him will become easy, even joyful and delightful. It is neither of those right now, but I am hoping the Lord will be with me and maybe even see fit to bless me. I have decided to start keeping a journal of my journey and my struggles. I will first outline a plan and then keep the journal with me always so that maybe when I am tempted it will help dissuade me. I've decided to keep a Bible with me always as well, and to also keep a book listing verses to read regarding different areas of temptation. Once again, I don't know if I will be successful. Because of who I am, it it very likely that I will fail. It is likely that in order to succeed, I will need a miracle.

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