Monday, July 07, 2008
I've been fat for eight years now. I used to be a "runner", an "athlete". Now I barely spend any time at all working out or running despite easy access to a state of the art fitness center at my university and a top-notch treadmill in my bedroom. I used to be hot. I used to feel good when I woke up. Now I'm sluggish and lethargic. I don't eat well, I don't exercise and I make excuses all day long. "I'll start tomorrow","It's my time of the month"," I don't have time." The usual. I buy Oxygen magazine every month and read it cover to cover every month. I adore Tosca Reno and Bob Kennedy. I think they are fantastic role models. I think Oxygen is the one women's fitness magazine you can really trust. The models are beautiful. They are not skinny. They are the epitome of beauty; strong, sculpted and still exuding femininity. Oxygen shows what a real fitness role model should look like. I want to be like them so badly, and yet I'm still fat. I really don't know why I keep falling off the wagon. Each time I get back on again I feel great about myself. I feel energetic and steady but then something happens and I'm thrown off. It could be a comment from someone, or seeing myself in a reflection at a bad angle, or simply having a bad day. I start feeling sorry for myself and it's all to easy to just sit there on the floor where I fell off. My husband, God bless him, doesn't help. He tells me he loves me no matter what I look like and he doesn't say a word when I yo-yo. He just loves me and he doesn't want to anger me or hurt my feelings. He really does want me to lose weight. He would find me more attractive if I was at a healthy weight, but he doesn't want to risk hurting my feelings by saying anything to make me feel like he doesn't love me and find me attractive in my present condition. I know my life wouldn't instantly improve with weight loss. I'm not foolish. I do know that if I was exercising regularly and eating well I would be better able to deal with the day to day stress and I would feel better overall. I would be more secure and more confident which would help me to relax more easily. Oh my, well, what's a girl to do?